Chapter 1: Basic Definitions
Chapter 2: The Players
Chapter 3: Dominance and Submission Rules
Chapter 4: Reward and Punishment
Chapter 5: Bondage
Chapter 6: Training Items
Chapter 7: Training Techniques
Chapter 8: Additional Information
Chapter 9: Suggested Reading List
This is a handbook for people to learn more about a type of relationship known as Dominance and Submission. I do not pull punches or try to soften the language used. If you are easily offended, do not continue reading this Guide. I are writing this from the experiences of others and my own experiences. This is by no means an endorsement of this lifestyle. It is meant as a guide to those who seek a greater understanding, or who are interested, but don't know how to start. The usage of "him" and "her" are from my own experience. Do not take it to mean the male is dominant every time. There are many successful D/s relationships where the female is the Dominant, or in same sex relationships where one is dominant and the other submissive regardless of gender.
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Dominance and Submission (D/s) is an alternative relationship in which a Master or Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will of the slave, or submissive, often referred to as "sub". D/s does not necessarily refer to the sex act itself. D/s is more akin to a seduction. The Master seduces the slave with his power, the slave seduces the Master with their willingness and servitude. Sex does occur in the relationship, but in this Guide, I am discussing the lifestyle, not sexual practice. "Slave" and "sub", as well as "Master" and "Dom" are not directly interchangeable titles. The differences will be gone into later in this guide. A D/s relationship consists of two people who are mutually consenting adults who agree on a direction for their relationship. They agree that one of the partners will take the dominant, controlling role, and the other partner, the submissive, controlled role. Just like in any other relationship, it is a two way street, though to outsiders, it may not seem so. The Master relies on the slave as much as the slave relies on the Master. They are dependent on each other to satisfy their own needs. Each partner has different needs, as defined by their role as Dom or sub, but each is satisfied, though in different ways. Each couple will have their own set of agreements. This Guide talks about mine, but every D/s relationship is different. However, there are some basic rules that are universal.
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Chapter 1 - Basic Definitions
Dominance and Submission are not to be confused with Sadomasochism. To make this more clear, I am including these basic definitions. They are taken from the American Heritage Dictionary.
If you ignore the terms "perversion" and "abnormal" in the above definitions, you can still see that nowhere in the definition of dominate or submit do you have pain as an integral part. It is a difference in gradients and intent. I am not saying that S&M is wrong, bad or undesirable. It is just a much higher gradient than D/s, and may be too intense for the beginner. Some people may confuse heavy D/s with S&M. They are two very different things.
- Bondage - 2) A state of subjection to a force, power or influence. It comes from the Old English word bonda, which means husbandman (farmer)
- Dominant - 1) Exercising the most influence or control; governing. 2) Most prominent in position or prevalence; ascendant. Comes from Old French and Latin dominans, to dominate.
- Dominate - 1) To control, govern or rule by superior authority or power. Comes from Latin dominari, to rule > dominus, lord.
- Submissive - comes from Submit.
- Submit - 1) To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another. 2) To subject to a condition or process. 3) To yield to the opinion or authority of another; give in. 4) To allow oneself to be subjected; acquiesce. Comes from Middle English submitten > Latin submittere, to set under: sub=under + mittere=to cause to go.
- Sadism - 1) The perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the infliction of pain on others. 2) Delight in cruelty. 3) Extreme cruelty. Comes from Comte Donatien de Sade (1740-1814)
- Masochism - 1) An abnormal condition in which sexual excitement and satisfaction depend largely on being subjected to abuse or physical pain, whether by oneself or another. Comes from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Austrian novelist (1836-1895)
- Sadomasochism - 1) The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.
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Chapter 2 - The Players
Although it may seem through outward appearances that all the power in the relationship flows from the Dom or Master to the sub or slave, this is somewhat misleading. The players in a D/s relationship, no matter which side they are on, are equals to a certain degree. Both sides have power, but in different ways. The Dom may have ultimate authority, but the sub is the one who initiates most actions.
To prevent any misunderstanding between players, they should understand the difference between a Dom and a Master, and a submissive and a slave.
The Dominant, or Dom
"Many inexperienced Doms believe that all that is required is simply ordering your sub around as you choose. It's not. There's much more to be said about what being a good Dom requires." (Rex99, 7/21/95, AOL)
Domination is not just giving random orders. A good Dom will find a way to cause the sub to desire pleasing the Dom. A Dom, or Dominant, is the protector, teacher, and lover to the sub.
As the protector, the Dom must be a) stronger than the sub, and b) stronger than other people in the life of the sub. This does not mean that he has to be physically bigger or stronger. I am talking about character and personality.
As the teacher, the Dom must be wise and, above all, right. The Dom should not arbitrarily punish the sub on a whim. There must be a reason. To do otherwise will break down the trust and security of the sub. The Dom has to be respected by the sub. Respect is a quality that is earned by the Dom being right, and issuing swift, correct justice and reward to the sub. The Dom is not there to inflict pain and degradation on the sub, but to give the sub a goal and a direction on how to love and please him.
As the lover, the Dom is loving and, when appropriate, stern. He must recognize that he is the only source of pleasure for the sub. He must see to it that this area is not neglected. The Dom should, when appropriate, be gentle, supportive, and tender to the sub. A Dom/sub relationship is not just about overpowering. It is about the Dom caring for the well-being of the sub. If punishment is required to stop a destructive action by the sub, then it comes from the Dom. On the other hand, when correct action has been noted by the Dom, love and caring should come from him to the sub.
The Master is a higher gradient of control in D/s. The Master follows the same rules as a Dom, but in a stricter sense. The Master can have a slave, but may also call their slave a sub. The slave is owned or "collared" by the Master. The Master considers the slave a possession, but a highly valuable and loved one, the most valuable thing he owns. Offenses against the rules laid out by the Master are dealt with more severely, in most circumstances. Still, the Master, when pleased, flows great love and caring to his slave. The Master is also more protective of his slave because the slave is totally dependent on the Master.
The Submissive, or sub
To be sure, the slave serves; the Master receives. But that does not mean that the slave has no sense of self, or self-worth. Her needs are real, and she should leave a relationship where her needs are not met." (Rex99, 7/21/95, AOL)
The role of the submissive appears to be somewhat simpler, but in actuality, the sub plays a large role in shaping the D/s relationship. The sub's primary role is to follow her Dom's directions and to please the Dom. Being submissive does not mean that the sub is a doormat for the Dom. The sub is the Dom's companion, his student, and his lover.
As a companion, the sub is treated with respect and dignity, is allowed to voice opinions, and allowed to share in the Dom's activities. This is the area where the sub is the most equal with the Dom.
As a student, the sub learns how to please the Dom, and when done, expects to be rewarded by the Dom. Likewise, when not done or done incorrectly, the sub expects to be corrected and shown the right way to act.
As a lover, the sub goes out of their way to please the Dom because they genuinely care for the well being of the Dom. The sub does this, not out of fear of pain or retribution, but because they wants to give the Dom pleasure. The sub does not want the Dom to be disappointed with them. The sub takes pleasure from the fact that the Dom is pleased.
The slave is a higher gradient of submissiveness in D/s. A slave's primary purpose in life is to serve the needs and desires of the Master. The slave relinquishes all control to the Master, because the slave knows the Master has her well-being totally at heart. The slave is marked by her Master in some fashion to show ownership. This can be done with a tattoo, a piercing, or even a physical collar. The Master/slave relationship tends to be more of a lifetime commitment to each other than a typical Dom/sub relationship. The slave is held to a higher standard of conduct and compliance than a typical sub, due to the fact that the slave has given control of their life to the Master.
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Chapter 3 - Dominance and Submission Roles
Note: In this chapter and henceforth, I will be referring to Masters and Doms as Doms. Likewise, slaves and subs will be called subs.
In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. I understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.
Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safewords assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control.
- No actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience depending on the people involved. It is not the central focus of the relationship.
- Pre-agreed limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and sub will and will not do. These limits are different for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries established by the relationship. As an example, some couples put a limit on other people joining them for a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each other what your personal limits are before beginning a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries do change with time as the relationship progresses.
- The sub should have a "safeword", or something they can say to halt the present time activity. The safeword is a word that is understood by both parties to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify a situation outside of the action he is engaged in. Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties. Limits and safewords are type of guarantee that things don't get out of control on either side. If the couple are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having a problem with the situation, the safeword is used to stop the action. When the safeword is spoken, the action must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful or dangerous situation outside the "scene".
Over time the use of safewords and limits may diminish, however many couples in a long term relationship still use them.
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Chapter 4 - Reward and Punishment
This point is where many D/s relationships fall to pieces. Overpunishment for minor infractions, non-acknowledged good deeds, and ignoring blatant wrong action cause the affinity in the relationship to break down. The roles of both Dom and sub are fairly rigid; the duties of both well understood. When a Dom doesn't punish major infractions, or ignores correct action by his sub, the agreements made at the beginning of the relationship are broken. It is here that a Dom shows his true colors. The Dom should be in control not only of his sub, but himself as well.
At the beginning of a D/s relationship, the Dom and sub may agree on a long list of correct and incorrect actions, but if the Dom does not remember them, the sub is "getting over" on the Dom, and in the process, losing respect for the Dom's power. It would be better to have only a few rules at the start, then as time progresses, expand them as the relationship grows.
Overcorrecting is also poor. If the Dom is cruel or vicious, the sub will only do what is required out of fear of punishment. Over time, the sub will have no desire to please the Dom, and the Dom will suddenly realize they have no real control over the sub.
Punishment is a tool to correct wrong or no action by the sub. It should never be done in anger! This is a very important point. When you punish in anger, real injury can occur, safewords are nullified, and limits do not exist. This is a very dangerous situation. The Dom who punishes in anger is moving into the area of abuse. In D/s, the Dom cares about the feelings of the sub. It is very difficult to have empathy when you are angry. Pain is not the end all and be all of a D/s relationship. It is just one more tool at the disposal of the Dom to guarantee the rules are complied with.
Punishment does not even have to include pain. Movement restrictive bondage, humiliation, harsh words, or even a look can punish the sub. Privileges can be removed such as not being allowed to sit on the furniture, or by the Dom forcing the sub to sleep at the foot of the bed. There are many ways to punish incorrect actions. Save the severe stuff for major infractions. If you beat a dog every day, all you get is an angry, uncontrollable dog. The same goes for a sub, and an angry sub is much more hazardous than an angry dog. Punishment is always followed by reward when the sub corrects the infraction. The sub must be allowed to make up the damage, and then it is forgiven.
Rewards show the sub that the Dom is pleased. It is a tangible show of love and caring from the Dom to the sub for a correct action. This is the true power of the Dom. The reward can be a kiss, a caress, flowers, a short note, or even a long, tender session of lovemaking. Rewards given to the sub shows that the Dom is thinking of them, and cares for their well being. It acknowledges their proper behavior and reinforces it. This is how the Dom creates in the sub the willingness to please him. A happy sub will do anything to ensure the happiness of the Dom, and will avoid actions that disappoint.
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Chapter 5 - Bondage
Bondage is a tool used by the Dom to restrict the movement of, or to immobilize the sub. Binding can be used for correction, but it is often used for pleasure, depending on the particular D/s relationship. During bondage, the Dom has complete control over the sub, but this depends on the type of binding used. There are a variety of restraints you can purchase at your local adult bookstore, or through catalogs. Each one has its own use and purpose. Regardless of the style of restraint, they should all be somewhat comfortable to wear but restrictive, and should not cut off blood circulation. If the sub is extremely uncomfortable, they will have attention on their body and not fully on the Dom.
During bondage, the Dom has almost complete control of the sub's body, and can use the time for instruction, punishment, teasing, or can bring the sub to orgasm at the Dom's wishes. In order to be bound, there has to be a deep level of trust by the sub for the Dom. It is at this time more than any other that the Dom needs to be very perceptive of the cues the sub will give. When a sub is bound, the chance for injury jumps drastically, and the sub is not in a position to defend or assist herself. It is an act of total submission to allow yourself to be bound, and the sub is trusting the Dom to do the right thing. Therefore, the Dom must be in complete control of himself while handling a bound sub. Drinking or taking drugs before bondage is not recommended.
NOTE: The following items should be used with extreme care. It is very easy to permanently injure or even kill another person with these items. If you are unsure of how to use these items, get the assistance of experienced D/s couples.
Rope bondage is the most common. This includes rope, scarves, neckties, belts, or any other multi-purpose item used to restrain the sub. Usually, the hands are bound to each other, but they can be bound to the thighs, waist, behind the back, or above the head. The sub can also be bound to another object such as a chair, shower curtain rod, hook in the ceiling, and many other places where you can tie off a rope. The feet can also be bound together, or apart.
NOTE: Care must be taken with rope. It is very easy to cut off circulation, or cause rope burns. Use a soft, large diameter rope, such as nautical rope. Check your sub frequently. The more the sub struggles, the tighter the rope becomes.
Normally, these are special items made of nylon webbing or leather. These are items that go a step beyond mere binding of hands or feet. They are much more difficult to get out of, and are more restrictive. Some strap items bind the wrists to the thighs, or to the ankles. Strap bondage items tend to be for a single purpose.
NOTE: When using strap items, check them thoroughly before use. If the item is frayed, ripped, has loose attachments, or is discolored, either repair the damage or throw the item away.
Cuffs are mainly used for wrist and arm restraint. When referring to leg and ankle restraint, they are normally called shackles. They can be made from many different materials, from nylon with Velcro closings, to leather, to metal. Care must be taken in using cuffs since a tight fit can cut off circulation. Cuffs can be used to bind the hands to the sub's waist, ankles, thighs, or to other objects. Usually, when hand or thumbcuffs are not used, the cuff is a specialized item that binds an extremity to another object, one or two at a time.
NOTE: I do not recommend police-style handcuffs for bondage. They do hurt, and can cause skin and tendon damage. Use a wrist strap device made for the purpose.
Since chains can cause injury to the skin, they are normally used to support cuffs, or to hold up a suspension device. However, some Doms use chain directly on the skin because it will not tighten accidentally. Choose a smooth, finished chain, and use quick-release clasps.
NOTE: Chains can twist and catch skin, pinching or tearing it. Examine your chains before use, and if there is damage, do not use the item.
Collars are devices that go around the neck of the sub. They can be made of leather or nylon. Chains or straps can be attached to it to secure the hands or legs. These devices can be different from a standard collar which shows ownership.
NOTE: Beginners should avoid the use of collars, or anything which goes around the neck of a sub in the beginning. It is very easy to inadvertently choke your sub.
Bars, also called spreader bars, are used to separate extremities from each other. They are normally around 2-3 feet long, though the size varies. The ends of the bar can be attached to cuffs around the wrists, ankles, or neck. The bar enables the Dom to control the movement of the sub, and enables the Dom to access certain body areas easily.
NOTE: Care should be taken to ensure the connectors on the ends of the bars are securely fastened, because if a connector comes loose, the bar could swing around and strike either the sub or the Dom.
Suspension devices are used to raise the sub off the floor. These devices are more advanced, and are best left alone if you are inexperienced.
These items include padded boards, gymnastic horses, racks, crosses, benches, stocks, and many other items. These items are expensive and normally take up large amounts of space. Before purchasing these, make sure you have room for them in your home. They are also advanced bondage items.
For the beginner, I would suggest using what you have in the house. Gym equipment, the dining room table, chairs, shower curtain rods, placing a hook above the door frame, or a four poster bed work very well for training purposes. A Dom does not need a fully equipped dungeon to properly train a submissive.
As you acquire more specialized bondage items over time, remember to inspect the item carefully before placing it on your sub. If the item is frayed or cut, or has broken clasps, throw it away. It is dangerous to use damaged items. At best, it is an unnecessary interruption of play. At worst, your sub could be injured. These are the Dom's tools. Keep them in working order.
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Chapter 6 - Training Items
There are many types of training items. Usually, they are used for punishment, but, when used gently, can be very erotic. These items should serve no other purpose than for the administration of discipline. They are symbols of power and authority for the Dom. They must be treated with care and respect. Do not wield an item unless you are prepared to use it. These items are more than just another tool. They should instill awe in the sub, and effect an immediate change in their attitude. They are tangible evidence of the Dom's role as the administrator of justice to the sub. Therefore, they should not be overused or misused.
Belts can be used to discipline the sub. Folded in half, they are very effective for spanking. It is easy to get out of control with a belt, though, inflicting more pain than is necessary. Of course, the intensity of pain is at the discretion of the couple. Riding crops are also very effective. The head of the crop, run up the inside of the sub's thighs, is very erotic, and a strike from the crop is quite impinging on the sub. Flails are items that have many long thin straps attached to a handle. They can actually break the skin if wielded too strongly, but with a light or medium touch, can get your sub's attention quickly. They cover a larger area of skin, giving many defined areas of pain. Paddles come in all shapes and sizes. They are used for spanking large areas.
These items should be used for higher gradients of discipline, since they do cause higher degrees of pain than the flat of your palm, and can cause injury if not used with caution. An inexperienced Dom should use the item on himself before using them on the sub. This way, the Dom will get an accurate estimate on the amount of force needed with each item to produce the desired effect.
There are also items like gags, ball gags, and face masks. I do not suggest that the beginner utilize those items. When gagged, the sub will have a difficult time getting a safeword out, and may be injured inadvertently. If you must use a gag, though, the Dom must be very careful, and very in tune with the sub. Other means of "safewording" should be used, such as a bell held in the sub's hand, or a ball, when dropped, signaling the Dom that the sub is having problems, and a time-out should be started.
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Chapter 7 - Training Techniques
Respect for the sub is very important in this phase. As a Dom, you are attempting to bring out the best in your sub, not break her spirit and turn her into a robot.
Even in training, there are certain guidelines that are useful:
There are a large number of techniques that Doms use. These vary from couple to couple. One technique that people use is to bind the sub's hands above their head, bind their feet together, and, with the flat of the hand, spank them from their shoulders to their ankles, front and back. This is a very effective way of getting their attention.
- Never strike a sub in the face. A light to medium open-hand slap below the neck is normally sufficient to handle the job. You can place your hands on the sub's face to make them look at you.
- Never break skin on purpose. If you do, handle it immediately after punishment is finished. Soothe the scrapes with lotion, talking softly and gently to your sub.
- Never leave a bound sub unattended. Accidents can happen, and the sub is in no position to assist themselves.
- Never discipline in anger. That has been covered earlier.
- Never engage in D/s under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This goes for the sub as well as the Dom.
- Always explain why the discipline is occurring to the sub. Discipline must occur for a specific reason. To arbitrarily discipline a sub breaks down her trust in the Dom.
- The punishment should fit the offense.
- Discipline should always be followed with tenderness and love. The infraction has been dealt with, and is in the past. As a Dom, do not hold a grudge against the sub. Allow the sub to be forgiven.
Reward is also very important. Correct actions must be rewarded by the Dom, otherwise the sub has no incentive to obey the Dom's instructions. You could give your slave a single flower, a note left on the computer, or a loving caress. The reward will depend on the sub and the action which pleases the Dom. Once in a while, a Dom will find a sub to whom a spanking is a reward. This is why the Dom must know the sub, totally. Every sub is different, just as every Dom is different.
It is very difficult to give step-by-step instructions on how to discipline or reward a particular sub. Some subs are totally submissive, others have a very strong will. In any case, the discipline is for correction, the reward is for compliance. If more correction is needed, do not hesitate in escalating your actions. Use the amount of correction necessary to punish the infraction. Do not threaten punishment. Apply it. The sub will respect the Dom to a greater degree. If the sub complies above and beyond what you expected, reward them accordingly. Remember, the strength of the Dom lies in his love for the sub.
When using any style of domination, care must be taken not to injure the sub. An actual injury, if caused, should be tended to immediately. Stop the scene, quickly unhook or detach the sub from any devices, and tend to the injury. Basic first aid should be known by the Dom, because injuries can happen, and the Dom is responsible for the sub.
Humiliation is a specific style of domination that centers on making the sub do a particular act, or doing something to a sub that is repugnant or causes the sub to feel less powerful. Examples of humiliation include making the sub eat from a bowl on the floor, publicly disciplining a sub, and making a sub perform an act in public which could be considered embarrassing. Some forms of excretory play (urine, feces) could also be considered under this heading. This can be an effective means of control of the sub, but is sometimes considered overkill. Usually, the sub obeys the Dom because the sub wants to please their Dom. When the sub, however, decides to ignore the authority of the Dom, or decides to play the brat, sometimes humiliation can be considered as a tool for discipline. Personally, I do not enjoy or employ humiliation training. It depends on the couple involved in the relationship whether this style of domination is used.
Restriction is a style of domination where the sub is restricted in movement. Restriction can be enforced with restraining devices, such as ropes, or merely words. Restricting the movement of a sub is a widely used training technique. Restriction can be used along with almost any other style of domination, such as restriction and spanking, or restriction and humiliation. Simply tying the subs hands behind their back is a light form of restriction. Telling your sub to kneel, or not to move is a form of restriction. Heavier restriction can include tying hands and feet to the bed or a hook on the wall, or binding the sub's hands and feet together. Heavier restriction will tend to have extra items used for restriction, such as spreader bars, cuffs, rope, or other specific devices. Very heavy restriction does not allow very much, if any, movement by the sub. Very heavy restriction can utilize larger items, like crosses, racks, large quantities of ropes, specialized strap devices, or suspension devices. The amount of restriction necessary depends on the training or play being initiated by the Dom.
This style of domination includes a wide range of activities, including spanking, whips, flails, floggers, and electrical stimulating devices. This style is often included along with restriction. Another style of physical domination includes moving the sub in space without their consent, by the hair, a leash, or a simple hand on the back of the neck. Physical domination is a very direct way of communicating to the sub the position and authority of the Dom. Physical domination does not have to be violent or punishing. In public, a firm hand on the sub's shoulder can have as much effect as a swat on the behind for correcting a sub's behavior.
This style of domination is not as directive as the above methods, but is a style in its own right. Verbal domination is control using words and speech to effect a change in the sub. An example of this would be sliding up behind your sub in a public place, and whispering into their ear, or calling them "slave" in a public area. Having your sub call you "Master" or "Mistress" in public would also be considered verbal domination. Some Doms exert so much control over their subs that a word or a phrase will instantly cause a change in their sub, sometimes against the will of the sub. These cases are rare, though.
In the case of cyber or long distance D/s, exercised on the phone or by computer, this is the style used by most Doms, since they are not there to correct or reward the sub physically. It is very difficult to physically dominate a sub over a long distance connection. The sub must do what the Dom orders, to the best of the sub's ability. If clamps are to be applied, the sub must be able to physically do the action. Since the physical control of the sub is difficult to ensure, verbal domination is used extensively.
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Chapter 8 - Additional Information
There is more to D/s than just paddles and flails, ropes and cuffs. There are other "toys" that are used and are useful, especially if the parties agree that the play can become more intense. The following items and techniques are not recommended for beginners, but are included so that when and if you decide, you have the information at hand to ensure that the play continues to be safe and consensual.
NOTE: The following items and techniques are more advanced, and have a greater probability of severe or permanent damage. If you are unsure about how to proceed, get more information from experienced D/s couples. The warnings in the following sections are not to frighten you. The warnings are there for your and your subs safety. Extreme caution should be exercised when using these techniques and items.
Wax play is utilized by many couples for enhancing their play. Candle wax, dripped onto sensitive body areas, such as the nipples, chest, or groin can be intensely stimulating for couples who have a greater pain tolerance. The sensation of the hot wax, running down and hardening into a semi-soft shell can be very erotic. The heat from the wax also serves to intensify the sensitivity in and around the area if the wax is not too hot.
NOTE: Very hot wax can cause first, second, or even third degree burns. Blisters can form quickly, and skin damage can easily result. When using candles, hold the candle high above the body part exposed to the melted wax. If the heat sensation is not strong enough, bring the candle closer, but only a little at a time. If you are not sure about how hot the wax is, test it by letting some fall on a sensitive part of your body, such as your wrist or inner arm. Take care not to burn yourself.
Clamps are devices that apply pressure to a body part. They can be used on nipples, the chest and outer genitalia. There are many styles of clamps, from plain clothespins to specialized genital clamps. Some clamps even have a tension adjuster to get the correct amount of pressure. Some Doms will apply the clamps to the desired area, and then add weight to pull down on the area, or attach the clamp to a pulley system to pull up or out on the clamped body part. The sensations can range from pleasure to mild discomfort to extreme pain, depending on the area that is clamped, the amount of pressure on the clamp itself, and if there is any weight applied to the clamp.
NOTE: Clamps should be used with caution. Clamping any body part reduces the blood flow to that area to a greater or lesser degree. Lack of blood can kill tissue quickly. Also, clamps should not have sharp edges that can catch skin or cut the sub. When using clamps and weight, extreme caution should be taken as to avoid tearing skin or applying so much weight that the clamp is torn from the body part.
Electrical Stimulating Devices
Electrical stimulating devices use electricity directly applied to the skin. On most, the intensity of the applied electricity can be altered, from a low voltage to a fairly high amount. The sensations that come from these devices range from pleasant to very painful. The electricity goes into the skin and muscles, stimulating the muscles and nerves directly. The devices can be inserted into various body orifices, or applied to the outer skin or genitalia, depending on the shape of the device, and its intended use.
NOTE: Electrical stimulators can be very expensive to purchase. Be sure to fully inspect these particular devices before use. Frayed wires, loose plates, or even corrosion on the device can render it useless or dangerous. Electrical play can quickly become hazardous to the sub and the Dom. If the sub is standing, a shock to the legs or groin can cause the sub to collapse almost instantly. An inadvertent shock to the spine can be unpredictable, and a shock across the heart can cause the heart to stop or beat erratically. These devices should be researched thoroughly by the Dom and sub that plan to use them during play. All safety information that comes with the device should be read and understood totally. Do not use the device in a manner that is not definitely spelled out in the instructions. Electrical play is best left alone. It is very dangerous edge-type play, and must be thoroughly researched before being embarked on.
Ice play can be a welcome addition to a relationship. Ice can be used on external body parts, external genitalia, or even internal genitalia if care is taken. Ice can quickly sensitize affected body parts, or numb them slightly. Ice can even be used to intensify an orgasm in either sex. With males, a thin piece of ice, inserted into the anus during ejaculation, can give the male a more intensified orgasm than normal. Ice rubbed on nipples will cause an almost instant stiffening, making clamp application easier in some situations.
NOTE: Caution shall be observed. Ice play can cause frost-nip or in severe cases, frostbite. Frost-nip is a temporary situation of numbness, pain, and diminished blood flow in the affected area. It will go away with the application of heat. Frostbite is a serious condition of actual tissue death. The skin turns gray, and there is no blood flow. The skin will feel very waxy. Frostbite must be attended to very quickly. It is doubtful that true frostbite will be caused with ice play, but the Dom should always be watching the sub and their reactions for any bad signs. Do not apply hot wax or hot water to a frost-nipped or bitten area. Use the warmth of your hands or underarms to re-warm the nipped area. Also, ice inserted into the anus or vagina can cause internal cuts, which can severely injure or kill your sub.
Body training uses specialized apparatus to "train" a body part or area to look a certain way for an extended period of time. Corsets are used to train the waist and lower abdomen to make it smaller. Nipple training devices pull the nipple out from the breast to lengthen it. There are other devices specific to other body parts. The difference with these and other devices is that body training occurs over a long period. With corsets, the sub wears it for about 22 hours a day for a long time. The result of the training can be extremely visually pleasing.
NOTE: There are extreme cautions to these procedures. Corsets accomplish the "wasp waist" look by physically moving internal organs up into the rib cage. Other training devices apply pressure and tension to a specific body part for extended periods. If used improperly, all body training devices can cause severe pain and possible injury.
Piercing is a way of ornamenting the body in other places than the ear with jewelry. Pierced areas can include the nose, eyebrow, lip, and nipples. In females, piercing can include the clitoris, clitoral hood, inner and outer labia. In males, piercing can include the penis shaft, the glans, and the scrotum. Piercings can be temporary, where a thin sharp needle is passed through the skin, or permanent, where a sharp hollow needle actually carves out a portion of the skin, making a hole. The jewelry ranges from simple hoops to intricate jewelry. Chains, rope, and clamps can be attached to the jewelry itself to pull on the skin.
NOTE: Since an object is breaking the surface of the skin, profuse bleeding will normally occur. Also, due to the skin break and subsequent blood contact, infections can easily take hold. Blood poisoning, gangrene, and death can happen due to an improperly cared-for piercing. Because of the dangers involved, eroticized piercing should be avoided. All piercing implements and jewelry should be disinfected thoroughly before use, and the area being pierced should be cleaned with an anti-bacterial wash.
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Chapter 9 - Suggested Reading List
The following books are recommended for the beginning, as well as the more experienced D/s couple. They can be difficult to find in your local bookstore, so when possible, I will give the mailing address so you can order these texts directly.
[Note: secure ordering links at Amazon.com have been inserted here for your convenience. See also the BDSM Bookshelf for more titles.]
Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
S/M 101 by Jay Wiseman
Different Loving by Gloria Brame, William Brame, Jon Jacobs
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This has been a labor of love. I wish to thank the many people that I have talked with for their input. This booklet was written to answer some of the many questions I am asked about D/s, and in my life I have met many people who were interested in D/s, but knew nothing about it.
I hope after reading this information you are left with the understanding that the Dom is not only about discipline. He is about love. Also, the sub is not the doormat for the whims of a Dom, but a valuable addition to the Dom's life. D/s is not for all couples. It worked for me and I want to share the information I have learned through years of practice.
Special thanks go to:
- Craig - Thank you for all your questions which precipitated writing this booklet.
- Rex99 - Thank you for your concisely communicated views on D/s and S&M.
- All others who have read and communicated their feelings on the information in this booklet - You have my gratitude. Be well, my friends.
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Copyright © 1998,1996,1995 by The Bryant Press. First Electronic Edition © 1996 by The Bryant Press. Previous Edition: The Beginner's Guide to Bondage and Domination. All rights reserved. Copying or republishing is not cool, so don't do it unless you have permission from the Author. Permission to publish here was granted by the author.
These files are presented for general information only and are not meant to be a "how-to" guide.
As with anything, what works for someone else may or may not work for you.
Use common sense when exploring new relationships of any type.
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